Breakdown or Breakthrough

Whole-hearted, warm-hearted, open-hearted living.

A one-year anniversary since this insight into mind-heart-soul dis-ease.

And even more and more unburdening and release of beliefs, conditionings, shoulds, coulds, if onlys, that are no longer beneficial.

Soon I might be able to share on what has given me mind-heart-soul ease.

The past two years have offered many opportunities to explore and experience the different states of emotional distress and discomfort. Perhaps it is being in a new country. Perhaps it is parenting alone. Perhaps it is home educating. Perhaps it is transitioning into menopause. Perhaps it was seeing some of these states in my daughter that gave me the courage to examine them further. I share this because I did not understand what family and friends were experiencing when they were in such states of distress and discomfort. I share because most of us don’t have a language to express such feelings or emotions – we were never taught. Besides, as my daughter says, “They just wanted us all to be happy in school.” And that is what we have learned, to be happy or to look happy or to say we are happy when we are not.

So it has been my practice to start acknowledging, accepting and staying with these dark, unknown, unnamed, uncomfortable places. I am learning to lovingly hold these feelings and emotions with kindness and compassion.

I am realizing that they have insightful and powerful messages to deliver. If I can’t do this much, neither will my daughter. And she too will walk the earth with the burden of suppressed feelings and emotions – and that is too heavy a burden to pass on.

I am grateful for the scientific training and the practices of svadhaya (self-study) and mindfulness which have given me the tools to deepen my understanding of the different states of mind dis-ease.

I am grateful to family and friends that have been there to support me with generous compassion and understanding through these journeys and offer the lifelines and life rings that have rescued me from becoming mired in any of these states.

For me, it was the feeling of helplessness as expectations and plans started to fall apart. It was the struggle to carve out our own path that was quite different from the norm that led to the feeling of isolation, and non-acceptance which set me on the slippery slope of DEPRESSION. But there was that inner voice that knew my sacredness and worth that prompted me to act and put on the brakes and restructure my life to better meet our needs.

For me, it was the old vinyl record that was set on repeat and played the litany of stories of events that supported the unexamined beliefs that kept me in a choke-hold of perpetual WORRY and ANXIETY. Over time, I came to recognize the old songs and stories and realized that they were not true anymore. And I found the off button.

For me, it was the unnamed feelings and emotions of shame and blame, and the burdens of unforgiven recent parental fails and past relationship fails that took me down the path of various ADDICTIONS that served to distract me from the pain I was experiencing but not acknowledging. But my ongoing practice of self-forgiveness and self-acceptance holds me back from the point of no return.

For me, it was the suppression of a lifetime of accumulated and unresolved rage that could unwittingly be ignited into potentially explosive VIOLENCE. But it is the act of lovingly recognizing, acknowledging and hearing the messages of that rage that buys me enough time to defuse the bomb.

For me, it was the unrelenting demands of lone parenting and home-educating compounded to the stress of moving countries and moving homes that had left me totally depleted and exhausted.

None of my knowledge of all powerful and beneficial yoga, meditation, pranayama, healthy eating, blah, blah, blah would work to allow me to “get on with it” when I really needed to stop.

So here I was at the edge of a BREAKDOWN.

But yet again, the practice of self-compassion allowed me to recognize the state that I was in, allowed me to listen to myself and accept that I needed to stop and save myself.

I am finding the courage to ask for things I formerly thought impossible. I am receiving all that I need and more. I am moved deeply and am profoundly grateful to discover that I am being held by so many loving hands. I am learning, as is my daughter, that even at our most vulnerable, we are not alone.

May all who are carrying the burdens of mind dis-ease find a way to connect to that love which is ever present within and around us; that love that tenderly holds us if we can find a way to trust that we are deserving of that love.”